Comin' Back Into View

There has been such a long gap in posting to this blog and I really considered just starting a new one but I changed my mind. The decision was to begin here in 2009 and see if I can do this regularly again. Times being what they are and certain to get worse I think it important to lay down a record of events and emotions that go with such. Since my last post in 2007 here I and my sons have become members at Reeves Chapel United Methodist Church where we now have such a wonderful family within the family of God. They have always treated us with love and I am so glad that God brought us to them. I will return tomorrow to tell you more about them and fill you in on where the boyz are in their development! I have so much to say but this New Years Day has left me so very tired so I will end todays entry with "Happy New Year 2009 and may God bless you and keep you throughout it! Jesus loves you and so do I"
Love to all,
Jeff

Dealt With It and Back

Rock 'n Roll!....Two words and so much power! I spent a good portion of my adolescence using music to deal with the most stressful situations in my life. Anytime one is trapped in an emotional quagmire, the mind finds ways to deal with it or totally breaks down. I have found myself of late in another such predicament.The only difference being that the first upheaval was not of my own doing. This time I am guilty of not relying on my best resources to aid in recovery. I thought back as to what I had done to drag myself through previously. Many is the time that I would barricade myself in my room and play music to help me. I have aquired more music than I could ever listen to properly and add to the stores weekly. I have a love for a number of different genres of music but rock 'n roll,(which now includes sub-genres of punk, emo, alternative, metal, goth, thrash, ska, rockabilly to name a few) will always be my favorite. I can lose myself in listening and feel the intensity of not only emotionally charged music but deep heartfelt lyrics. With stresses of the world closing in daily, I have retreated to a fortress where I feel both familiar and strengthened. Don't expect to hear the same from me anymore...I had to exile that troublesome Jeff to another world...The evolution to the next stage has begun. Forcing a new beginning is never easy...You grow to know what you have to do. You are fearful at first but you learn to conquer fear...I am human and I grew to hate being that...but I am much more than just human. Trapped in human form for the moment I have the ability to consult my soul as to what it requires. Rock 'n roll therapy!...Long overdue...sometimes I knew...."you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you just might find...you get what you need!"....FFEJ

Drop back and punt!

Ok! It's time once again to apply the game of football to life. You have a goal...you seem to be stuck at one particular place in the field and you feel as though you will lose the game if you don't make some changes!...Drop back and punt! That's what we are doing here at the Crisp den...We go back to what last got us time to turn the game around!...Concentration Camp Daddy!....It not only serves to get the rabble in line but it awards me the opportunity to get my mind off whatever has manhandled me into feelings of despair! We have officially implemented the lock down. Yesterday the boyz were told that they had 30 minutes to get what they valued off the reading room floor or it would be swept up in short order and deposited in the trash can...Only when that actually happened did they figure it was worth their time to clean up after themselves as I expressed plans on expanding the area to include bedrooms and the den. We have gone back to the most hated of disciplinary actions...writing sentences!...25 per offense which includes rudeness, disrespect, raising of the voice in anger to the Daddy, physically attacking the brother, and destructive acts displaying anger! The first offender was Mr. Attitude...Zak...my 13 going on 30 but I'll act like 5 year old son. He was privy to 100 sentences after major violations of various policies! He seems much nicer now!...He'd better!...You know?...I feel much better already!...Maybe I'll be able to sleep a little tonight!...If not...I'll plan out tomorrows strategy!..Ve haff veys auff making zem comply!...Love to all-Jeff....Aunt Cecile, you are always in our prayers and thoughts!

The Climb Down

In thinking of a small two word phrase to describe myself of late "horrendously despondent" comes to mind. Did you ever have a period where the things you pray will never happen all seem to be happening in short order? I used to never be at a loss for words, and I have dealt with most things that have come my way but there are finally happenings in my life that I can't even talk about anymore. It's kind of like having a nightmare night after night and you get to a point that you don't want to go to sleep anymore. I try to use the humor in this world to deal with the reality of the horrors. It doesn't work as well as it used to. I could describe in more detail what all is eating me up, but truly, what good would it do. I feel trapped by being human. I fight so hard to break the bonds only to realize that each day puts me to fighting harder and I feel myself tiring of the fight. I feel so alone in my way of looking at the world and it's "new decadent standards". The problem is that God tells us that all this will be happening as time winds down but the human that binds me still mourns at the loss of the feeling that "even though the world be evil...there is good to be found"....just seems that little spark of thought that at one time carried me through rough times isn't very true anymore...and to me that was a way for me to hope in the words of Christ that spurred me forward to grasp. It's always tough to let go of the good and even tougher when you feel the last of goodness leaving around you. I feel the anguish of Solomon and I fear often the same end. I know the way to go...I know the path to take...I know the help there is to walk it...I just don't know at what point that my soul is going to override my humanism to walk past the scenery. People will tell you what you need to be thinking in order to get through it all....but you still realize that being human brings with it emotional and physical pain that still must be dealt with in spite of knowing the truth. Gotta go for now but I still say...love to all...sorry that down seems to be in for now...Jeff

Imagine....

Yesterday was my oldest son Zachary's 13th birthday!! It turned out to be a wonderful day for all as all their birthdays should be and have been! The "Birthday Boy" always has his choice of places to eat and then his choice of activities...to a certain extent. First we had to pick up his cake, had to be Star Wars...and Darth Vader (hey didn't I marry his sister?...no wait!....her maiden name was Borden!) We then went to eat at Apollo Flame Bistro (his choice, and an excellent one I might add! I had their spinach lasagna with a Greek salad and the boys both had chicken and mushroom subs. The activity chosen by Zak was bowling! Just what a disabled man with joint problems needs....but we went, I tried to make the best of it....enjoyed it but paid dearly for it! Next he wanted to go to a store in the Asheville Mall where he could spend his birthday money on "cool clothes" (I used to know what cool clothes were but I have been told that I no longer have a concept of what is cool!) Strangely enough the cool clothes he bought closely resembled clothes of the type I wore earlier in life when I thought I was cool. Even his hairstyle looks like the "cool" hairstyle I once sported when I was a teenager and still had hair...or at least lots of it...lol! The bowling trip had left me nearly a hopeless cripple and for once in her life my ex-wife called at just the right moment asking what we were going to do because she and her mama wanted to take Zak out to eat and give him his present! I told her what we had done so far and seizing the moment I asked her that since they were taking Zak out, why didn't they just come take him to that store in the mall and let him spend his money....that way I could go home and take care of Lennon and the dog. She said that she would talk to her mother and see....but knowing how she does things...I called her mom myself to see if they would...Her mom said they would be by to get him within the hour so I started looking for my pain medicine. After they took him there I received a phone call telling me that "Daddy, I want to come home and eat with you and Lennon!"....I know what that means!...(Daddy I bought a couple of playstation 2 games also and I really want to come home and play them!). His mother complained that since he wanted to come home he had an attitude. I got him back on the phone and told his newly 13 year old person that he was going to smile....turn to his mother...(while I held the phone) and say "I'd love to go to eat with you!" or when he got home I'd take everything he bought and lock it up until his attitude improved for an extended period!...To make this short and sweet....he had a happy birthday and when he arrived home later (after eating) he said that it had been a great day!...Glad he saw it my way for a change....I had fun too!...Love to all!..Jeff