Hard to Find Home

We moved to Asheville in October of 2004 and basically started life again. The boyz had to get used to not only a new neighborhood but new schools as well. ADHD kids (at least mine) don't deal well with changes in settings and routines. The more activity there is in a situation the more the distraction too. The boyz grades lowered and it was a struggle just getting them through the forth and fifth grades. I guess the key word there is "struggle." Everything is a struggle in our world. Waking up and starting the day, mealtimes, chores, games, and bedtime are all struggles where a single parent comes to understand why things such as suicide prevention are necessary. My inner strength is tested on a regular basis and in the small amount of time I have to reflect on my "grades" in the school of life with the lions I find that I average just barely above the survival (passing) level. This means I am either stronger than I thought or insanity has its rewards. Parents of "normal" (and I use that word hesistantly) children have no idea just how much struggle there is in getting a child through a day in a totally distracting world. I am so lucky to have had a mother that taught me where to find the strength I need to make it to the next day. The boyz know of Daddy's heroes and why they are his heroes. They know that Jesus is my ultimate hero and they see my struggle with the human side of me to become more like him. That in itself is enough of a struggle to keep me busy. I often wonder though that if Jesus had ADHD kids and had them on his own and could only use human means of dealing with them just how much time would he have had to find a quiet place to pray. I pray on the run. I have no one to cover for me while I step back and examine how to deal with the situation at hand. I have no way to find a place to go lick my wounds. The boyz know me well enough by now to know that I am trapped. Sometimes they are like a pack of wolves and at the first sign of pain or weakness they go for the throat. That too is the nature of the beast. I know they don't mean to have total disregard for my feelings and no sympathy for my situation. I know they love me and certainly don't want to do without me but the ADHD doesn't provide a platform for putting yourself in the place of others and if by some miracle they do sympathize, for even an instant, the short term memory associated with that instant causes it to disappear before the proper amount of attention can be applied to make it a learning experience. I guess you could term ADHD as a "ME" disorder. The entire focus, fleeting as it may be, and the impulses are to "satisfy me right now...damn the torpedoes!" Believe me it's very difficult for me to sympathize with what I know is going on with them when not only am I hurting so badly but they have eaten on my last nerve. If I could ask for one thing associated with this disorder it would be that I be allowed to think for a moment before having to regulate or referee the situation at hand. That's why ADHD households for the most part are tense, loud, and active places and parents become easily frustrated, many times compounding the situation. I end up hating myself because I can't always deal with happenings the way I know I should be able to. I am a Christian and not a very good one if you judge by how things run when they both are "on the jazz". I spend more time in God's Rehab Clinic than most people. God probably tires of hearing me say I am sorry for some of the things that come out of my mouth during times like these! It is only at times like these (4 am, hurting, kids asleep, and me with time to think) that I can reflect and arm myself somewhat for the day that is about to begin. Hope your day goes well...we'll see how our day goes shortly!