Just the Chance to Reflect

Amazing what just a short time to reflect can do for you. My ex-wife actually took both boys twice for a period this weekend and with the weather we're having I certainly welcomed the gesture. There are times with ADHD that you actually find yourself feeling that your child may be possessed of the devil and that your entire body is ready to shut down or explode. Then, when they settle down and have had their medicines you hear them pretending together, putting their arms around each other as brothers you say to yourself "How could I have ever felt that way toward my child?" Ask anyone who is raising ADHD kids and they'll most likely tell you that it happens. I find myself often thinking about just how awesome these guys would be without having to not only deal with normal stages of development but fighting with Mother Nature within and it saddens me that I just can't remove this stumbling block in their lives. These guys are so very intelligent and can be so loving, giving, and caring and God has certainly blessed me with their presence in my life. I know this...I feel this...and yet there always comes those moments when you wish they could be tied to a chair and forced to watch continuous reruns of "Leave It to Beaver"...hoping that somehow something might rub off. (Frankly between you and me, Ward Cleaver would surely go on a killing spree if he had 2 ADHD guys by himself.) I have very little time to work on my own pain much less time to reflect on what's worked out right and what's going wrong. One of the big drawbacks to this fibro thing (You'll find me commenting more on the fibro than anything else that's wrong with me because it is a most awful syndrome) is the memory fog it produces...I forget more often, I have less patience because, in part, I become frustrated from forgetting so much, and I am constantly having to take more time to find ways to remind myself. Many people can't quite grasp fibromyalgia because at present so little is known about it. First of all it is the most painful thing I have ever been through. I hurt constantly and I can no longer remember a day without pain. Coupled with the arthritis that has been eating at me for years there are days when I find walking at all difficult and I feel as if every ounce of energy has been drained from my body...even gripping a pencil is a painful event. I wake every 2 hours or so and the pain is almost unbearable. Doctors aren't sure exactly what causes it but there are some that say it could be caused by a virus but no one has yet isolated it...some say it is the result of some kind of major trauma to the body (with all the operations I've had and the close brushes with death a couple of times it's possible I guess)...some say that as the result of major stresses there has to be a breakdown somewhere and fibro is the result...I don't know...I do know that although the sleep apnea and the diabetes I have may kill me the arthritis and the fibromyalgia will make sure that every day will be most painful. I could (and eventually will!) tell you so much more but no one wants to hear it so enough for now. I know deep down that every thing is for a reason and many times our discomforts we curse are the very things that allow us the opportunities for experiences we would never have had. No matter what you believe the balance of the universe to be...karma....reincarnation...a supreme creator...EVERY THING SERVES A PURPOSE! In that respect I have reason to rejoice in my pain. Logic dictates that the world is far too structured to be a chance happening. Something is in control. MY LOGIC tells me that there is a God. I was once asked by a doubting friend how I could feel certain that my belief in Christianity was well founded besides taking most of it on blind faith based on the writings of men. I told him that the writings of men weren't the complete basis for my beliefs. Logic and observation had their parts in it. I told him that I put myself in the creators place. For whatever reason, I have decided to create a world and give it structure. Structure requires certain rules of order or laws that make everything work the way it is supposed to. The first thing he asked was "If you are the creator why didn't you make everything perfect?"...well I have my reasons and I am the creator and I have created you so I owe you no explanation of that....I have given to my world beings capable of living there in peace and harmony as the highest forms of life therein...I have given them all the resources they need for things to BE PERFECT and very few rules to make it happen. I allow them freedom of choice so the opportunity to see what there is to choose from must exist hence good and evil but make no mistake I am the creator so I am the strongest. My creations make the choice to abandon the easy way I have given them so I assure them that although the choice was wrong I will still allow them to correct their way but not without great effort on their part since they wanted no part of my effortless way. As an incentive I provide them with a reward for a job well done. Down through the ages as their choices would worsen I would send messages on what they needed to do to fix it. After sending countless messengers I feel the need to walk among them as one of them with the same structural laws applied so that I may SHOW them how success could be accomplished and how truly uncomplicated my requirements are. I show them things to convince them that I am the creator and my purpose is to give instructions firsthand and then proceed with a demonstration. My demonstration would involve showing them that under the worst possible conditions that they could accomplish this. They must, as a condition for their choices, lose something of great value to them to gain something of greater value. What would they value most? Life would surely be of the greatest value to them. What I offer in return would have to be of greater value than the structured short term existence they have now. My friend then asked "Why go through all that when you have the power to do anything you want?" Well, because all things must be structured for I cannot create anything greater than or equal to myself. I am not saying that I am correct in my logic, only that I BELIEVE I am correct in my logic...it is, after all, MY LOGIC. At least it gave my friend something to think about. One of the reasons I identified so much with John Lennon as I grew up was that I could feel and see the conflicts he had inside through his music...John didn't hide his pain well and he, like myself, was evolving through the complications of this world and trying to make sense of it all. The difference between us was that I was more willing to understand that somewhere amidst all the structure something was in control and it's logic reigned supreme. Amazing what you think about when you are given some time to reflect.