An earlier time

An earlier time
My autographed "Bobby Seale" copy

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Dealt With It and Back

Rock 'n Roll!....Two words and so much power! I spent a good portion of my adolescence using music to deal with the most stressful situations in my life. Anytime one is trapped in an emotional quagmire, the mind finds ways to deal with it or totally breaks down. I have found myself of late in another such predicament.The only difference being that the first upheaval was not of my own doing. This time I am guilty of not relying on my best resources to aid in recovery. I thought back as to what I had done to drag myself through previously. Many is the time that I would barricade myself in my room and play music to help me. I have aquired more music than I could ever listen to properly and add to the stores weekly. I have a love for a number of different genres of music but rock 'n roll,(which now includes sub-genres of punk, emo, alternative, metal, goth, thrash, ska, rockabilly to name a few) will always be my favorite. I can lose myself in listening and feel the intensity of not only emotionally charged music but deep heartfelt lyrics. With stresses of the world closing in daily, I have retreated to a fortress where I feel both familiar and strengthened. Don't expect to hear the same from me anymore...I had to exile that troublesome Jeff to another world...The evolution to the next stage has begun. Forcing a new beginning is never easy...You grow to know what you have to do. You are fearful at first but you learn to conquer fear...I am human and I grew to hate being that...but I am much more than just human. Trapped in human form for the moment I have the ability to consult my soul as to what it requires. Rock 'n roll therapy!...Long overdue...sometimes I knew...."you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you just might get what you need!"....FFEJ

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Drop back and punt!

Ok! It's time once again to apply the game of football to life. You have a seem to be stuck at one particular place in the field and you feel as though you will lose the game if you don't make some changes!...Drop back and punt! That's what we are doing here at the Crisp den...We go back to what last got us time to turn the game around!...Concentration Camp Daddy!....It not only serves to get the rabble in line but it awards me the opportunity to get my mind off whatever has manhandled me into feelings of despair! We have officially implemented the lock down. Yesterday the boyz were told that they had 30 minutes to get what they valued off the reading room floor or it would be swept up in short order and deposited in the trash can...Only when that actually happened did they figure it was worth their time to clean up after themselves as I expressed plans on expanding the area to include bedrooms and the den. We have gone back to the most hated of disciplinary actions...writing sentences!...25 per offense which includes rudeness, disrespect, raising of the voice in anger to the Daddy, physically attacking the brother, and destructive acts displaying anger! The first offender was Mr. 13 going on 30 but I'll act like 5 year old son. He was privy to 100 sentences after major violations of various policies! He seems much nicer now!...He'd better!...You know?...I feel much better already!...Maybe I'll be able to sleep a little tonight!...If not...I'll plan out tomorrows strategy!..Ve haff veys auff making zem comply!...Love to all-Jeff....Aunt Cecile, you are always in our prayers and thoughts!

Monday, March 05, 2007

The Climb Down

In thinking of a small two word phrase to describe myself of late "horrendously despondent" comes to mind. Did you ever have a period where the things you pray will never happen all seem to be happening in short order? I used to never be at a loss for words, and I have dealt with most things that have come my way but there are finally happenings in my life that I can't even talk about anymore. It's kind of like having a nightmare night after night and you get to a point that you don't want to go to sleep anymore. I try to use the humor in this world to deal with the reality of the horrors. It doesn't work as well as it used to. I could describe in more detail what all is eating me up, but truly, what good would it do. I feel trapped by being human. I fight so hard to break the bonds only to realize that each day puts me to fighting harder and I feel myself tiring of the fight. I feel so alone in my way of looking at the world and it's "new decadent standards". The problem is that God tells us that all this will be happening as time winds down but the human that binds me still mourns at the loss of the feeling that "even though the world be evil...there is good to be found"....just seems that little spark of thought that at one time carried me through rough times isn't very true anymore...and to me that was a way for me to hope in the words of Christ that spurred me forward to grasp. It's always tough to let go of the good and even tougher when you feel the last of goodness leaving around you. I feel the anguish of Solomon and I fear often the same end. I know the way to go...I know the path to take...I know the help there is to walk it...I just don't know at what point that my soul is going to override my humanism to walk past the scenery. People will tell you what you need to be thinking in order to get through it all....but you still realize that being human brings with it emotional and physical pain that still must be dealt with in spite of knowing the truth. Gotta go for now but I still to all...sorry that down seems to be in for now...Jeff

Sunday, March 04, 2007


Yesterday was my oldest son Zachary's 13th birthday!! It turned out to be a wonderful day for all as all their birthdays should be and have been! The "Birthday Boy" always has his choice of places to eat and then his choice of a certain extent. First we had to pick up his cake, had to be Star Wars...and Darth Vader (hey didn't I marry his sister? wait!....her maiden name was Borden!) We then went to eat at Apollo Flame Bistro (his choice, and an excellent one I might add! I had their spinach lasagna with a Greek salad and the boys both had chicken and mushroom subs. The activity chosen by Zak was bowling! Just what a disabled man with joint problems needs....but we went, I tried to make the best of it....enjoyed it but paid dearly for it! Next he wanted to go to a store in the Asheville Mall where he could spend his birthday money on "cool clothes" (I used to know what cool clothes were but I have been told that I no longer have a concept of what is cool!) Strangely enough the cool clothes he bought closely resembled clothes of the type I wore earlier in life when I thought I was cool. Even his hairstyle looks like the "cool" hairstyle I once sported when I was a teenager and still had hair...or at least lots of! The bowling trip had left me nearly a hopeless cripple and for once in her life my ex-wife called at just the right moment asking what we were going to do because she and her mama wanted to take Zak out to eat and give him his present! I told her what we had done so far and seizing the moment I asked her that since they were taking Zak out, why didn't they just come take him to that store in the mall and let him spend his money....that way I could go home and take care of Lennon and the dog. She said that she would talk to her mother and see....but knowing how she does things...I called her mom myself to see if they would...Her mom said they would be by to get him within the hour so I started looking for my pain medicine. After they took him there I received a phone call telling me that "Daddy, I want to come home and eat with you and Lennon!"....I know what that means!...(Daddy I bought a couple of playstation 2 games also and I really want to come home and play them!). His mother complained that since he wanted to come home he had an attitude. I got him back on the phone and told his newly 13 year old person that he was going to smile....turn to his mother...(while I held the phone) and say "I'd love to go to eat with you!" or when he got home I'd take everything he bought and lock it up until his attitude improved for an extended period!...To make this short and sweet....he had a happy birthday and when he arrived home later (after eating) he said that it had been a great day!...Glad he saw it my way for a change....I had fun too!...Love to all!..Jeff

Monday, February 26, 2007

Everything happens for a reason?

The picure above is of two very dear friends of ya both! Let me begin by saying "Happy Birthday Scott...wherever you are buddy!" Scott was my friend who was more like a brother to me. He died tragically with his girlfriend in a car wreck in June of 2006...February 26th is his birthday. Recently a girl I once dated and cared very much about died of cancer. Now I turn on the news and see where a girl I dated many years before in high school was murdered by the man she married....which just happened to be the guy she began seeing after we broke up...(I dunno...she could've been seeing him while we were dating...he lived just down the road from her.) The world is a messed up place and when it's my time to leave it don't fool yourself into thinking that I'd want to come back into it at all. No way Jose! I am concerned for my sons and what they will be forced to endure and I am sorry for that...may the Lord be with them always. I find no other reason to stay here but for them. That's not to say that I would try to leave....that's God's choice as to how and when....suffice it to say that he won't have a fight outta me to stay. We'll talk later...tomorrow I'll be in better humor and perhaps you won't be cursing me so to all-Jeff

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Don't make me laugh Weatherman!

Again the subject of weather rears it's ugly head. They are predicting for tonight a significant amount of snowfall. Don't think for a minute it will actually happen. These mountains make winter weather predictions impossible with any degree of accuracy. I suppose that the local weatherman probably is cursed at as much as that nutbag of a president we have. Nah! least not by me...I curse at "Dubya" much more! Hopefully they will miss this forecast as it could keep the boyz out of school and no one but the teachers want that to happen. I would like to see at least one good snowfall though, since I bought the boyz new snow boots (and they won't wear them unless it does snow!) Things have been relatively calm here the last couple of days. I have enrolled Lennon in a program to get him some help with his particular circumstances. It's called Universal and it is a support system of psychiatrists, nurses, psycologists, and counselors. I certainly hope that it will help. Lennon and I are so much alike. We butt heads alot within the normal stages of growth and development and even more so because of the apparent disorders/syndromes. We both have a rough time adjusting but we are working on it...especially me. In spite of the difficulties in raising children with ADHD and a splash of autism, these kids know that they are loved. We all say and do alot of wrong things when we get upset but when the dust settles I know that they love me and they know that I think the world of them and that they are my reason for living. We are working at making each day better and better. For right now my day tomorrow will be much better if it does snow and get it over with before Monday! Then I will only have George W. Bush to curse and poor Bob Caldwell can rest easier! Love to all-Jeff...I mean...J. Smith!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

If only I could disappear!

Life is one strange trip alright! Bad things come...bad things go....good things too! Here at home we just recovered from the latest malady. We went back into our normal (I use that word hesitantly in discussing this family! I am sure by now you understand why!) routines. Boyz went back to school...I returned to household things...The dog returned to being my ex wife returned to being the pain that only she can be....well, only worse. Andrea returned from the store a while ago and sat down on the couch in tears. She had rear ended some woman's car and tore the crap out of her mustang which now sits in my driveway. This just after starting a new job and beginning to get caught up on her back child support. Guess things never really go well for me...for long....ever! What this means now is that she will have yet another excuse for...a. not paying me back the money I loaned her to get the damned thing street legal recently (tag, inspection, fine...) b. She will have more reasons why she can't catch up on her child support and c. She'll constantly be bothering me for a ride to work and to borrow money for this and that.....anyway...I will be the one with the majority of the headaches from this accident. I rarely ride with Andrea anywhere...I don't like the way she drives...The few times I have ridden with her I have said things like "Slow don't need to go that fast!" and "You better not follow that guy so close...if he bows up on you, you'll be eatin' outta his trunk!" or the advice I give to anyone I ride with..."Drive like you're sane and watch everybody else...90% of 'em are idiots!". Just as my boyz and the rest of the world ignores did she. Oh! Yes! I am one of these people that will say, "I told you so!" That's genetics baby! I am a Crisp no matter how diluted by Sandlin or Plott...and Crisps not only always believe themselves to be right but the few times they actually are....they will certainly say "I told you!"...I am in the process of changing my name to Smith, John Smith. I want to try to retreat into anonymity. "Give peace a chance"...and give me a chance for peace! to all....-J.C. Smith (soon to be relocated to Smithfield!)

Saturday, February 10, 2007

We hate Germs!!!

I've been sick many, many times before. I have taken care of my sick Daddy at the same time I was caring for my sick children and wondering if I was going to pass out any minute from being in the same condition! One of my worst memories is of trying to doctor my sons and having to stop to expel nastiness myself with all of us running a temp. At least this time wasn't quite as bad...I say "quite as bad" because of the stages being slightly different. Every nasty symptom of the flu one can have....we had. Especially me! The boyz seem to have benefited from the fact that they are young and their immune systems are strong. They were down a much shorter period of time and they recovered much faster. Thank God for that at least! I don't mind remaining sick as long as my children are ok! Anyway, I can recall in many years past when I have had the flu on or about my birthday and this has been one of those years. As a result I am miles behind in everything...housework (you never know just how many towels and washcloths you have until you are sick and have to wash ALL of them!), my blog here, paying my bills that get paid at the first of the month, and dishes (can you really put chicken broth in that many containers?). I am cleaning as I feel like it and using the devil outta some disinfectant! (I don't want this crap to return!) Prior to our sickness I had a chance to visit with an old and very dear friend of mine that I hadn't had the opportunity to see in years. Her name is Vickie Motz and she is such a wonderful woman. She has a wonderful family that I know suffered without her way up north while she attempted to care for her mother who was in a bad way in the hospital. Sadly her mother is one of those people who has an inability to appreciate those who do things from the goodness of their hearts so that part of her visit was a bummer and a half. The good part was that she got to see my boyz again and we were able to chat over a wonderful dinner at Cracker Barrel! We were able to get together with another old friend, Terri Greenarch. It was wonderful to see them both again and I hope to be able to visit with them more sometime. I would especially love to see Vickie and Darrin's beautiful little girls (have seen the pictures and they are cutie pies!). Well anyway I just wanted to record the small medical disaster here (I did have to go to the hospital by ambulance because of the pain...and not knowing it was a bad virus prior to the boyz coming down with it!)....But one of my favorite quotes comes from John Astin's character on the hit TV show "Night Court" (John plays Buddy, a former mental patient who meets and marries Judge Harry Stone's mother, who was also a patient there!)...After an mental type episode of anything Buddy's reply is usually "But I'm feeling much better now!".....and I to all!...Jeff

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Today is my birthday!

I don't usually have much to say about another birthday (I am trying to forget them!) but this one is different. I am now a half a century old! There's a zero in my age again for the first time in 10 years and the first number has changed too. I feel old...guess that's what bothers me the most. I am physically and mentally drained! I do not expect to ever have a birthday with a zero in it this is probably my last time too of making any kind of mention of my birthday. I took the boyz to Chuck E. Cheese's today because what makes me happy on my birthday is seeing them happy! They played many games and had fun while I ate the no-so-great pizza they serve (hey!...delicious pizza is not the drawing card!). I am going to settle down now and get ready for the Superbowl....even though my favorites, the Philadelphia Eagles, decided not to give me the ultimate in birthday presents by making to, and winning, this Superbowl! Guess I'll have to pull for the Colts...I want Archie Manning to get some kind of Superbowl recognition by having his son, Peyton, to win the big game. Poor Archie!...One of the greatest quarterbacks to play the game...All those years he played with the New Orleans Saints and the rest of the team stunk! Good Luck Archie! May your son bring you honor!...May all our sons bring us honor....and cake!...Love to all -Jeff- old and used...for the most part abused...body out of control...but I still rock and roll...well roll anyway!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Key Tool to Survival

The key tool to surviving in this evil, materialistic world appears to be humor! One of the attributes of evil and/or materialism is stupidity and what better thing to laugh about than stupidity! I always tell my sons that stupidity is a choice. Ignorance is not knowing better...stupidity is knowing better and just not doing better. Trust me, our creator has created humor for a's a tool...USE IT! The boyz get upset when I laugh at something stupid they've done. They feel as if I am making fun of them. I make it a point to let them know that this is true but they had the CHOICE and it was a bad one so now they must correct it if they hope to gain my respect instead of my laughter. It works that way in the gain respect by making intelligent choices and are subject to ridicule by making the stupid ones. As in anything, there are exceptions to the rule. Some stupid choices result in harm to one's self and others. Using humor to make a point in a case like this goes back to using other words, it would be stupid to laugh at those choices. In situations like that I try to explain to the boyz that those result in a more serious and long term damage. I try to make them use their intelligence in the lighter situations...the result being that there will less of the more serious ones. Proper parenting is never easy and I don't profess to doing it properly. I am learning just as the boyz are. We all have work to do and we are all subject to the human nature we have been born with and that we have developed (whether conciously or not!). God has given us tools to use and in using them we find many times that the proper use of these tools is a developmental process! Humor is such a valuable tool! me it is the key tool to survival...Use it...God has a great sense of humor!...One need only look around at the actions of some of the humans he created! I am sure he laughs alot!...and shakes his head alot too!...Love to all -Jeff-

Saturday, January 27, 2007

The Fun Depot

I had to do was time for it...and it was fun! The Fun Depot...a place kids love and a place that parents are fleeced. It's a warehouse full of video games, go carts, mini bowling, and rock climbing! For a general fee they issue cards in encrements of hours so that kids can bounce from one game to the next while parents can either struggle to keep up with them or sit leisurely and watch the chaos. The catch is that the cards which kids swipe in the machines,(call it debit card training 101!), don't include all the machines! You see, some kids just like to play games but others are suckers for games that reward with something other than just a good time. Fun Depot is gracious!... to let you add money to those cards that will give you access to other games where kids receive tickets (the amount based on luck, skill, or type of game) and these tickets can be exchanged later for prizes (most of them small and cheap...the larger ones costing many tickets). This fast paced, spending and playing frenzy is right up my children's alley! For me it is a mixed taking them I am the coolest, most wonderful dad in the world and I do enjoy their smiles that result but it has a significant price to pay...physically, mentally, and financially! Last night I was surprised when Zak wanted to stay at home on the computer (he has his "My Space" page and friends he talks to there) and I ended up taking Lennon (he'll not let this opportunity go by for anything!). Zak stayed with his mother (Andrea) and I took Lennon. Turns out that everyone had a good time...even me!...I took my prtable dvd player and was able to catch a good old "Columbo" episode I had recorded! Turns out that everything has a price...even old TV series! Here's a couple of pictures for you!...Love to all -Jeff-

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

These kids!

Gotta love the things kids say sometimes! My youngest, Lennon, was on his way last night into the World Championship of Demons! He had tortured his brother endlessly, insulted his mother, and was trying to drive his father into either a Tibetan monestary or a Mexican prison! It was determined by Dad that he get into bed (which happens sometimes to habitual felons here at the rock!)...It was about 8:30 pm and his bedtime is 9:30 anyway, so it wasn't anything too far from normal.... Anyway...I was sitting at the computer as he got into bed. He was so apologetic saying "I'm so sorry won't happen again....give me a third chance!" (it would have been his fourth actually!) I explained to him that being sorry and saying so was all well and good but that he had committed the crime now he had to do the time. There was silence for a moment and then in a small quiet voice he said "Can't I just do community service?"...Lol!....Having him in bed WAS a community me!...Both my sons come up with so many funny things that they say so seriously and I just can't help but laugh no matter how stressed the situation. One time when they were but toddlers and still in car seats I had picked them up at the babysitter's having just got off from work. It was afternoon in the late spring and, after strapping Lennon in his car seat, a yellow jacket landed on his hand and stung him as he put his other hand on top of it! When he cried out Zachary asked what was wrong. I told him,"Lennon was stung by a bee....a yellow jacket!" That seemed to satisfy his curiosity. The next day after playing outside Zak came to me holding his arm. He had this sad look on his face as I asked him what was wrong. He said,"I got stung Daddy, by a bumble bee in a yellow raincoat!"....I guess that's the way I would have interpreted the term "yellow jacket" at that age too!....Another time Lennon was upset with me and told me he was "Gonna walk away from home!"...I said,"Don't you mean "run"?"...He said,"No...I'm gonna walk!"....Lennon comes up with alot of them and he is soooo serious...He was upset at me one day when he was about 6 years old and sat down in a diningroom chair...With his arms crossed and a frown on his face he stated angrily,"I'm not gonna do my homework, I'm not gonna eat my supper...I'm gonna go live with the devilman!"...Gee!...there are times I'd have to feel sorry for that devilman!....nah!...guess not! would be all that he deserved! to all!...-Jeff-

Saturday, January 20, 2007

The Beatles are driving me crazy!

Anyone that knows me for any length of time knows what a Beatle fan I youngest son is named Lennon!...You don't get much more of a fan than that! For the last 43 years of my life I have listened to Beatle music whether it be as a group or as solo artists. I was even proud of Paul McCartney when he made an appearance on the Howard Stern Show....Don't get me wrong, I cannot stand Howard Stern and I do not watch his show...I was channel surfing one day and as I passed through I saw that Howard had Ozzy Osbourne on...I paused only because I like Ozzy's music (his show is another one that I wouldn't have given you 2 cents for though!)...Ozzy and his wife Sharon were talking and it appeared that Ozzy was on some kinda drug...he was unkempt and slurring his words...a total embarrassment!...Howard then made the statement that Paul McCartney was backstage as his next guest and wanted to know if Ozzy wanted to meet him...Of course Ozzy said yes and mentioned that he had never met McCartney before. When they went backstage there was Paul and his entourage. Paul was so neat and handsome, looking like a model for a fashion magazine! Ozzy shook his hand and hugged him. At that moment I wondered what I ever found interesting at all about Ozzy (even his music)...but I was so proud of Paul!...That little story leads me now back to...My son Lennon, knowing who he was named after has developed an intense love for the Beatles...He knows too that the song "If I Fell" was the song I used to sing both boys to sleep with. Now he listens constantly to the Beatles...and my old video tape of "A Hard Day's Night" has been played to death. He plays "If I Fell" constantly and I have to sing along. He has a John Lennon figure that I actually have had to have a few conversations with....I have had to watch all the documentaries that come on TV in spite of the fact that I have seen them all before....many times...Bless his heart!!! I know it's all new to him but from time to time I need a rest...The name Lennon, for me, doesn't bring up a picture of John first when I hear it mentioned brings on a picture of a little boy whose interest in his favorites is so intense that it can be likened to the most major obsession you have ever encountered...I wish I could dwell on some things as intensely as that!!...But for just a while...let me have just a few Beatle moments from time to time...For everyone...there was life after Beatles! to all..Ringo...I mean, Jeff

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

What gets Daddy through!

There's talk of snow tonight and the temperature keeps dropping. This means that I am going to have to resort to extreme measures to get me through this night. Time to call on my personal panacea....Asiana's Hot Sour Soup!...Strange isn't it how some things in this world can help you get through most anything. My problem is that most of them are food!...This is partially due to heredity!...I swear it!!...My father's side of the family were big eaters often but one lone Aunt Ethel seemed to do a majority of the cooking (and she was a good one!)...She told me one time that she loved for me to come there and eat because I enjoyed eating so much!...Bless her heart!...Thrill for her...Kill for there was my mother's side of the family...They always had an excuse to eat...and they had many wonderful cooks! I will never forget going to my Aunt Hazel's house one time and she asked me" Gary and Alan are having a cheese sandwich...please may I make you one Jeff?"...I was used to a cheese sandwich being a slice of cheese between 2 slices of bread (of course I always added mayonnaise to it...and anything else I ate too!)...When she handed it to me I swear the cheese was at least 5 slices thick!...Don't think I ever tasted the bread!, we always used to have Christmas parties and all the good cooks in the family produced an endless amount of goodies...then there were the Sandlin family reunions every year and here came the food again!..When we gathered at my grandparent's house (my Pap and Mama Pinky) if it was a Sunday especially...the family cooks fixed, we ate, and all of us left way too full!...I watched many times, listened as they exchanged recipes, and sorted through what I really loved of it all and this peaked my interest in cooking which I became fair at and fatter because of. I think back often of what my sons are going to miss out on as they grow up.....the good cooks and the togetherness of family gatherings...if only I could put them there in my memories. Anyway...they have to get used to what gets Daddy through!...and tonight that's Sweet and Sour Asiana...some other family's good cooks!...Take care and love to all-Jeff-

Monday, January 15, 2007

School- Cycle of Love and Hate

You never seem to appreciate school until you have kids. All through your school days you look forward to the day you graduate. Entering the job market or college excites you because you've become so independent and you feel so cool. Shortly thereafter you are introduced to reality...THIS ALL TAKES WORK!!! All of a sudden you kinda miss high school and having so few responsibilities. Alas! One cannot turn bac time so you resign yourself to the fact that you'll be working towards something...forever! You become accustomed to it...You even find a field or job you enjoy. Then for some unexplained reason you find yourself feeling that your life would be complete if you had children! The cycle begins are excited, you feel it's so cool to see something living that you helped create. Sometime later reality sets in again....IT TAKES WORK!!! All of a sudden again you kinda miss high school and having so few responsibilities. Once again, realizing that you cannot turn back time, you resign yourself to the fact that you'll be working towards something...forever! This time around though....when your children reach school age, you become schools biggest fan. You are grateful for time to be with your kids but you are equally grateful for some time away from them and with school in session you have a small part of that time. School then becomes one of those love/hate relationship love it when it's hate it when it's closed! Now we have arrived at my present state of mind....Today is a holiday!...School is not in session and I hate it!...but you wouldn't believe how good I really am at Monopoly! Move your me rent!....mortage that railroad! are ya glad school is out? to all...(these guys are great! They actually team up to try and defeat me! That's a good thing!)...Jeff

Friday, January 12, 2007

Pain is a Fact of Life Here

Those of you who either know me or read the ramblings of this blog know my physical state. I am constantly in pain but some days are worse than others. You can tell the degree many times by my postings. Oft times it's a safe bet that if I am not posting here daily then my absence is due to a great deal of pain. Yesterday was a day of great pain. I have been told before that all my ailments and pains have been of my own doing. That's a pretty ignorant way of putting it. I know of few people in this world that desire pain so much that they actually invite it. I think that person meant that I have all these things wrong with me either because of my failure to take care of myself properly or my chosen lifestyle produced it. The truth is that I certainly haven't taken proper care of myself over the years (most people don't or could've done a better job of it) and I am sure this has contributed a great deal to my present state. This doesn't account for all of it though. If you were familiar with the entirety of my condition you would have to give a lot of credit to heredity as well. I won't go into a list of all that is wrong with me as the list would be too long and there is part of my condition that no one need know of for now. My lifestyle certainly hasn't helped to make me healthier and I can freely discuss some of that lifestyle now that I have achieved an understanding of truth and maturity. In my younger days I did all the the things that I now live in fear of my children doing. I am grateful that my mother and father were never quite aware of the depth of my stupidity and that they didn't suffer the worst (many parents do) consequences of that stupidity. To begin with, I did my experimentation with drugs. I went beyond just experimenting with them. I did alot of them. There's hardly a narcotic or hallucinogen that I didn't do. I tried everything that came along. I am not proud of this at all though much of it served to educate me on many levels. I was sexually active at a young age and it led me to places I never should have gone and the same behavior these days has killed many people. I am not proud of that either. I drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and I associated with the wrong people many, many times. I confess to all this for several reasons. The main reason is in keeping with the theme of this posting. I know that my lifestyle too has contributed to my condition and pain. When you talk about the state of any human in this material world you also have to consider that ones choices, be they good or bad, might also be allowed to take place (and may even be planned) to bring about the purpose in that souls earthly state. I make no excuses for my condition...I ask for no pity...I place none of my responsibilities on anyone else...I ask no one for help, at most I only desire their understanding, to a degree. I have lived a full life and have been gifted with two of the greatest gifts that my creator has to offer. I would give up my life with no hesitation for these two gifts and I am doing all I can to assure that these gifts are returned to Christ in the best condition I can. I am not always right and the human aspect of my existence reeks havoc on my souls progression but I continue to work on it. I cannot and will not give up. In's not what you've brought upon yourself that really matters, it's whether you've used what you've brought upon yourself to progress or regress. Love to all-Jeff

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Love the Snow...Hate the Snow Days!

I hate it when it snows! I take that back....I don't hate it...well, I guess it depends on the day of the week. Snow on weekdays I hate and snow on weekends I love. There's a different feeling you get and I'm not sure but I think it stems from days of youth when snow meant no school and gave you the opportunity for different activities to do outdoors (all of them messy!). When you grow up and have children you find that still holds true. School is out and there are still those messy activities. The only difference now is that you dread to see that snow fall, no matter how intoxicating! My boyz are having a blast and I continue to have minor stroke symptoms. They have waited in anticipation for a snow day off since Halloween (a day that is their sign of winter approaching). My morning-afternoon job shifts from maid/cook/organizer/chauffeur to maid/cook/organizer/chauffeur/referee/recreation director/judge/doctor/whipping boy....anyway you get the picture! Ok you are thinking "So how does he have time to write here?". Well, it's taken me years to develop a structure for these kinds of days that will allow me to do that. It ain't easy! Sometimes nature gives me a break! Today's snow is almost gone (it's 1 pm) and I can run them outdoors for sure. I used to have a problem getting them outside and off playstation. That was before I came up with the idea of flipping the main breaker off for a few minutes and curse the power company for allowing it to happen. As soon as they go through the door I flip it back on. That works really well unless they forget something and come back in to get it. Ah yes! Survival depends on using the creative resource of the brain. Things like that have been more difficult to do since they uncovered my Christmas day early clean-up plan. Since they always had Christmas at 2 places (my home and my ex's) I would tell them that Santa was coming a day early so he could come on the regular Christmas Eve at my ex's). This way they opened their presents here...I got everything picked up...and Christmas Day I could kick back and enjoy some peace and quiet. They grew up and discovered that I was Santa so that blew my early Christmas routine. Guess they'll grow up more soon and start checking the breaker box to see what's happening there. Oh well! Creativity seems to be an on going process. Hope our snow WEEKdays are few and far between! to all....Jeff

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Range of What I Think Is Beauty!

Isn't the internet a wonderful place? There you can find most anything you desire to occupy your time. Since becoming disabled a few years back, the internet allows me to travel cheaply. I can go anywhere in the world practically. I can view images, web cams, chat with people in distant lands, and catch the news in all places. One of the biggest problems in finding a person with which to enjoy a serious relationship with has been the wide range of my likes and dislikes. Did I just hear you say "Hey, that should make it easier to have something in common with someone!"?...One would think so, however, having such a wide range of enjoyment means that I am less settled with someone who has a more narrow range (and so very many do!). Musically, I may one minute enjoy heavy metal rock and roll, the next minute I am thrilled by a classical music piece featuring a cello. Artistically, I may consider a work of graffiti in the same awe as I would a work by Monet (my favorite artist!). My favorite comedy may be anything the Monty Python guys do, yet I laugh just as loudly at a corny line in an old Hee Haw. My children think of me as cool just as often as they think of me as ancient because of the range. The pictures here will show you 2 places I consider absolutely beautiful! ...In conclusion, I have no idea why you should even care about any of this but the whole idea of me blogging these things I think of is in the hope that someone, somewhere, may can assist me with the mental illness I am developing....and give me peace...or a doughnut!....Now that's where I am off to....Love to all...Jeff

Monday, January 08, 2007

Meetings at School

Having children with ADHD presents many problems most of which involve school. Both of my children have a tendency to scare me to death each time progress reports come out but they always seem to pull up their grades by report card time. I can't always depend on that happening though and sooner or later the worst is bound to happen (that too goes hand in hand with ADHD). Organizational skills come very slowly. My oldest is constantly misplacing his PE uniform consequently I end up buying a couple just to get him through the year and now label them all with the name "Crisp" and not add his first initial just in case my younger son has the same problem. I call it a generic PE uniform. Their papers (if they remember to bring them) are often in a wad and appear to have been the target of some kind of military action and I know not what the stains are from! They have agendas to write down homework assignments in too but either fail to write some of them down or just forget the entire agenda at school. Many are the days that I remain in the parking lot waiting as they return into the school to retrieve items while all the other kids are picked up. I am told that this all is a familiar part of raising ADHD children shared by many other parents. Though the thought of that makes me feel as though I am not alone it doesn't aid me in figuring out how to counter and correct such things. I have come to the conclusion that all I can do is continue to try new ways of helping them and bide my time until they reach an age when they will be able to make their own way and thereby total experience will be their best teacher. Only then will I be able look up at the sky from my dumpster beside the pharmacy and manage an alcoholic drug induced smile as I belch a hearty "Good morning!" to the world at 4:00 in the afternoon. Children will do this to a parent like myself....I need no convincing of that.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Studying More These days

When a person has time on their hands that has to be used or lost, that person also renders himself/herself open to possible mental illness. This is comparable to the plight of the postal worker. How often have we heard of a postal worker going "mental" and engaging in some violent act. Obviously there is too much time to think there. After sorting mail for a while one could probably do it in their sleep. When you are a postal worker though, you aren't able to spend that thought time researching anything on the internet or read a book. All you have is time to reflect on your own set of circumstances and the stupid mistakes that people make with their mail can't possibly help. Keeping this in mind, when my health confines me to the house (chair, bed, whatever!) I try to spend that time in constructive study. I spend a good bit of time in world religions trying connect the dots out to come to a rational conclusion on why we exist in the first place and the purpose for our existence. At present I have immersed myself in the study of a denomination of Hinduism known as Vaishnavism. Interestingly enough there is much there that compares to many things found in my own Christian religion. I still consider myself to be Christian because I do believe that Jehovah has walked among us and that Jesus was one of the times that he did. Anyway the study I am doing has a way of calming me as opposed to postal violence provocation. As I study though I end up with so very many questions that I note and try to discover the answer to. They always lead me to the question "Jeff, Are you mentally ill or what?" Perhaps...but violence takes too much energy and pain coupled with study in nonviolent things makes me mental in a non threatenting to all....Jeff

Saturday, January 06, 2007

I am back! The natives are restless!

Sorry for such a huge gap in my postings! I attempted to blog on another site but that didn't work out so well. I'll begin 2007 here and hope to show you where I am in the world as we know it and keep you abreast of my position in such. Right now the boyz are just rising and I must go and begin my weekend day job as referee/cook/game player lest a riot develop and I have to don my riot gear for my K.U.S.I.C.S. (Kids Under Satanic Influence Crackdown Squad) job. Love to all! Will post more tomorrow!